[Nawooz.Com.My]

this is not the same as the song by Boyz II Men but the feeling is close enough. so what will you be doing this New Year’s Eve? are you alone like me or have you got someone special to share the final moments of 2004 with? it’s ironic to end the year alone and step into a brand New Year alone again…or is it just me. just a short recap of 2004 for me. i left my previous high-pay job to join this company hoping to find an environment i can productively work in. did i find what i was searching for? the honest answer is, i don’t really know. i guess i’m just like that in a way. i don’t know how long i’ll stay and i don’t know why i should either. well, hope that January 2005 will bring some sort of change to my state of mind.

it’s been 2 years of loneliness in this life. is it just my body clock ticking or am i getting old? one thing for sure is the sands of time have been slipping through my fingers really fast and i feel a little out of breath. i wish i could keep the good memories forever and remove all the negative ones out with a click of the button.

i use to plan for the future a lot but find it painful when things don’t go as planned. nowadays, i live everyday of my life, a step at a time. this way if I fall, it won’t be too hard to get up, dust myself and continue my journey. i imagine a lone traveller in a vast ocean of sand. trudging along the desert looking for signs of life, water and the end to this journey. thinking about this image, i recall something of the human mind. Researchers say, the mind thinks in pictures. a good example would be the word, “APPLE”. upon me saying that word, many people would be picturing a red/green juicy apple, if the theories were right. did you catch yourself imagining this?

on a lighter note, i took this personality test lately, which was extensively developed in behavioural studies and i came out as a “Composer Artisan”. more of that can be read here: http://keirsey.com/personality/spif.html. i don’t know if i fit the description, but it was interesting to see i’m part of a group, which makes up 10% of the worlds’ population). this means i am either really screwed or rare. Ha-ha.

alright, i think i’ll sign off here for now. much to ponder and reflect. here is a virtual toast to a better tommorrow. cheers!

emo: neutral

after much deliberation, i’ve decided today, i am not going to workout. since i did that yesterday, but it’s an excuse i guess since i’m lazy

today’s additional blog is the brainchild of a conversation i had earlier today. the conversation was focused on life. the analogy provided, was that Life, are akin to that of train tracks. each track is a different junction of ‘choice’ in Life. the individual is transported by a ‘train’ travelling down the chosen track, speeding through Life. every now and then there will be a split in the tracks or stations. the choice of which way to continue with the journey or to stop or proceed is solely dependent on the individual. question is, how do you know which track is better and, which stations are good stops?

i guess it is all up to the person then, isn’t that so. wrong, i got an answer, which totally threw me offguard. what if the train did not leave the main station or something is holding it back? what then…there is plenty left to say about this topic but i think i will have to edit this or post a part two for that…

emo: curious

another freaky prediction or more like wish came through. seems like i have been having a lot of these occurances lately. as my readers would know, the previous chapter was a wish for a white christmas. well, it never happened here in sunny Malaysia, albeit a wee bit wetter the past few days. it did happen however for a special someone while we were both on the phone. freaky but really nice. it was my christmas gift to her :). well, i got her mail today with some pictures of the scene at that time. it was a short snowfall but nevertheless, it was a ‘moment’. it’s odd sometimes how feelings travels over oceans and mountains. doesn’t it make you warm and fuzzy inside. thank you very much dear. it brightened my dreary day. well, a good start to this festive week i suppose.

am listening to the song titled “Knocking on Heavens Door” now. somehow it stirs up the calamities the past few days. The Lee Garden Hotel in central Haadyai, Thailand was a target of another vicious bombing incident. The earthquake measuring 8.9 on the Richter scale, which hit Sumatra, Indonesia caused many fatalities and the aftershocks reverberated  into it’s neighbour Malaysia, India, Sri Lanka and Thailand and claimed many, many lives in the form of deadly tidal waves and tsunamis in the coastal areas. a moment of silence and prayer i offer to the deceased and the survivors. it all feels surreal but it is something not surprising as it was written and emphasized in the article, “Who is Writing the Future”. this time of turmoil will pave the way to ensuing peace in the near future. i pray i may live to see witness that day.

emo: mixed emotions…

to all my readers out there, wishing you a Merry Christmas in advance. it’s christmas eve. things feel alive and joyous, but i am quite unperturbed by the changes this season brings. i’ve seen my fair share of smiling faces and jolly laughter. why am i feeling this way? well, i guess it’s because it will be another lonely celebration i have to pass. everyone else is so occupied. i guess i maybe jealous and crave my meagre share of the holiday spirit, but i have nothing to cheer me up.

well, i know how ol’ Scrooge must have felt now. at least he had companionship of his cold hard coins. i don’t have any gifts to buy and exchange. don’t have anywhere to go or visit. so, it’s another episode of ‘Home Alone’ i guess. come midnight of 31st Dec 04, it will be another vicious replay of events to pass, ‘Home Alone 2′.

i wish it would snow here. beyond my wildest imagination. think thick, fluffy, white powdery snow blanketing everything in it’s magical way. it reminds me of Neil Gaiman’s book, American Gods. hmm…i think i’ll read it again to pass my christmas. come to think of it, i have yet to finish Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath. i should also make a trip to the book store to stock up on reading material. all my other titles have been devoured and spat out by my brains. yes, a shopping spree for books sounds like fun.

i think, i’m listening to some Rob guy and the song titled Clubbed to Death. it was on the Matrix soundtrack and the same song we used for the World Hiroshima Day dance performance for the United Nations. kinda catchy tune although the whole song is basically instrumental. i still recall a bit of the dance moves. practiced our butts off for nearly 2 months and was a constant nomad at my friends’ homes. good times they were. nights were filled with sessions at the local ‘mamaks’. well, most of them have gone now. a good number are scattered in the Land Down Under. to all of them, G’day mates. All is Bob!

i think it’s time to end now. to everyone, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and stay safe.

emo: mellow…

you know what’s the most difficult thing in a long distance relationship. it’s the effort to maintain it. the physical and aural needs are left in hunger and yearning. you can’t see the person’s face or body gestures for some signs of distress or otherwise. it’s a guessing game and a hit-or-miss situation half the time. it’s worse when, there is no clear path of communication.

i don’t do to well on the net or phone conversations due to this. i miss the human factor. then there is the question of trust. all relationships are built on varying degrees of trust. the higher the level of trust, the more intimate the relationship. which is why i always say, there is a fine line between really good friends from the opposite sex and being soulmates. most of the time, there is nothing much left to know about the person and you are comfortable enough to tell the person your deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts without the fear of being ridiculed.

on the other hand, i found that learning about the person after committing to a relationship can be interesting as well. it’s the aura of mystery and surprise whenever a new trait or habit is revealed. this of course, has it’s ups and downs. the partner may exhibit habits, which go against your personal principles or may exceed your wildest expectations. i think i can safely, say i’ve succeeded thus far as i try to accept the whole ‘package’ without much hu-ha.

everyday is a new test or patience and endurance. everyday a blessing and curse. now i know what they mean by the pleasure of pain. i still count my blessings so long as things work out in the end. if it doesn’t, then i’ll have to start all over in this vicious game we humans like to call Love.

emo: neutral…i guess i’m in a don’t care-ish mood. DNDC = DunNo Dun Care (Don’t Know and Don’t Care)

the title today, reflects the song, “My December” by LP. i guess my premonitions are right. it’s kinda freaky to know you were right. i found out today that someone close, lost a loved one a few days ago. yesterday evening, my service provider told me she was leaving her job to spend time looking after her ailing mother-in-law. she was really nice to me and i will miss having her around. hope to work with her again someday. i’ll remember her words, friends. yes, friends will be forever, even when everything else crumbles.

my dad’s car windshield cracked for no apparent reason. the thing is, it was replaced about 2 weeks ago due to another cracking problem. can you say freaky? what an ending to 2004 right? hopefully it will be the last for this year and a better 2005. *touchwood*

so tell me about your december, my dearest readers. how was it? ups? downs? so-so? let this posting fluorish with all the memories of 2004 and for us to turn our faces towards 2005 in Hopes of better times ahead.

emo: melancholic and distant

the past week has been stress and emotion-filled. things have not been looking good for sometime but it was bearable. not quite so now. i’ve got that sinking feeling. relationships on the ice. frozen and lifeless. reaching out is not an option. time to retreat into my asylum.

away from all the hurt and haunting thoughts. lock the doors and shut the windows. even so, you can almost make out the lurking shadow beneath the door. hide and stay quiet. it will go away. it will come to pass. but when, how and why play in my head.

i’m listening to the Goo Goo Dolls now. The soundtrack is taken of the City of Angels movie titled “Iris”. i’ve taken a snippet which i find close to my heart:

“…and I don’t want the world to see me,

cause i don’t think that they’d understand,

when everythings made to be broken,

i just want you to know who i am”

often, individuals seek to be recognized. by family, friends, colleagues and the society, in general. results can vary greatly depending on your package or presentation to the world. some may accept you for who you are, while others may condemn you. they fear and revile the unknown, the different, and that, which they don’t understand. i only need one Hope from which i draw my Strength. i just want you to know who i am. i don’t care how much others hurt me, as long as you know the real me.

emo: distressed and far away, heartsick

since yesterday, life has been hell for me. my work is really beginning to wear me thin. i’m keeping things low now. i know i’m gonna blow soon and i hope it won’t have to come to this. thinking about it just screws my mind anyways. enough of the chit-chat. let’s get on with some interesting stuff, well in my opinion of course.

well, June dropped by to do some long awaited catching up. time flies when you’re on the same wavelength i guess. thanks June for pulling me out of my mundane and monotonous work. hope eddy and you get a kick outta my blog. nothing much ‘cept my rants and breakdowns, but it feels real good to let it out on e-paper man. i miss having my close friends around me. thankfully i’m blessed with some awesome ones, who actually don’t mind the notorious NawooZ. hehe. oh, mermaid! remember to tell eddy i’ll be interested in investing in that business. hope he doesn’t mind my meagre contribution though. it was really good to see you again after so long and i’ll take you up on your offer for that movie in a heartbeat, but i’m worried i’ll be a lamp post. about time you introduced me to someone ehh haahaha. i can almost see that darn smirk on eddy’s face. wipe it out you lucky bugger. i know you got her, but doesn’t change the fact you will be eating my DUST!!!

well, on to my colleagues blog. seems like our blogs have some tendency towards relationship issues. well, one advice, if you take it, nothing ventured…nothing gained. stop listening and start doing. hahaha. she has some cool points in her blog too, but i am sworn to secrecy at the moment.

i’m feeling this sense of impending doom approaching up ahead in my life. can almost smell it. too much to think about. too much to do. i wonder how people cope all the time. i mean, i’ve survived but barely. still got some ghosts from the past chasing me. just the other day, while at work, i figured why people actually pick a stick and light it. i had a similar urgency to release some of that built-up frustration. so knowing i can’t smoke for jack even if my life depended on it, i went down and bought a pack of gums and sat at a bench out front my workplace and started chewing while watching people around. i think i should do this more often. after all, i usually skip lunch and i’m still entitled to a ciggie break just like the smokers. haha. irony. this is going to develop into some unhealthy shit, i’m predicting. but who cares. i’m not gonna go around killing my lungs or others for that fact. wonder what i can substitute for alcohol. soft drinks are out of the question. too much sugar. i’ve tried drinking more water these days, which explains the frequent trips to the loo. my bladder works overtime in my opinion. some say that’s a good sign, i say it’s a curse in it’s own right.

i’ve got too many things in my damn head today but i can’t organise it down. shoot! well, i guess my readers will have to excuse my incoherence the next couple of days? weeks? maybe months? i feel like i’ve been hit by a freight train. alright, signing off here. i think i’m gonna do some heavy workout.

emo: it’s rare i cuss in my notes, but i’m pretty f*cked  the past few days. need to sleep i guess. damn insomnia is killing me.

dear readers, this is not a hoax and your eyes are not deceiving you. i have purposefully skipped the number 13 for obvious reasons. from time immemorial, the number 13 has been associated with being unlucky and so on. not one to break traditions, i choose to follow suite. hope you don’t mind me breaking this uniformity.

ok, back to today’s topic. i’ve blog-crawled and come across a few dating articles, which i must admit, arouses curiosity and is thought-provoking. one such article, describes how they build emotional ‘walls’ around themselves to protect them from the hurt love sometimes brings. that would explain song titles involving “Love Hurts”. sometimes, the walls are so thick that it suffocates the individual from actually enjoying any form of a satisying relationship, be it platonic or special. then, there is the metaphorical ‘door’ some describes. this i refer as the ‘door’ to the heart. hence, the need for a key to open it. the question is, how does one obtain the key to a person’s ‘door’? one response i got was, only the super person will know. in this case, a superman of sorts i guess, to sweep her off her feet and fly her away from here (wherever here is).

ok, the fun part, questions. how does the person know, who COULD BE the superman if their walls are too high and thick for his laser eyes or superhuman strength to break through? how does superman know then that he has a key to the ‘door’? how does superman know how to open the ‘door’ correctly without being zapped by her superpowers? how does superman help lower the walls slowly to show her the way out of her ‘door’ and enjoy the experience of ‘flying’?

i must apologize for all the odd terminology in my analogy of a relationship but it pertains to something close to heart and hence i’ve left it as-is for digesting and feedback. for those, who know where i’m coming from. please feel free to leave a constructive comment and let’s analyse this together.

emo: i feel like Dr. Love and Sherlock Holmes right now. go figure. 

life is really funny i tell ya. all my life, i’ve had a few, in fact a handful, of really close friends. i blame it on myself for not trying to keep in touch. sometimes, when i’m alone. i reminisce of the good times we had. which brings me to an interesting point. many of them have been females. i’m serious! i’ve known Kerry for all my life. we were both in pre-school together and through the initial stage of my primary education. then she left for Singapore for her studies. i still have her contact and e-mail. hey girl, look me up sometimes when you’re back from Aussie. hope to see your hubby and maybe kids then. in secondary, i had two special friends. chee wei and mei ling. still keep in touch with these two. chee wei i was with from Sec. 1 till Sec. 3, but we still kept in touch. i still use his nickname till today, ‘chu fai’. it means pig lungs in Cantonese. sorry bro mei ling was more of an ‘accident’…haha. she hopped to my school in Sec. 4 and i guess we clicked instantly. used to shoot it with her once in a while. really cool gal all in all. hey mei ling, when you come back from the States, you’d better be bringing your Jap boyfriend back with you. i’m dying for a good ‘ol wedding dinner eh

then came college. still hangout with the dooders till this day. i guess we’re crazy like that and so we stick together. there was another special person in my books worthy of mention here. i met sarah from one of the dooders. well, so happens it was his sister. well, cut to the short, she is awesome but sadly, she is overseas now. so much for my circle of friends.

then comes the workplace. nothing special happening although i do like to chat with all the office gals. i think they find me somewhat disturbing at times. sorry to all! just trying to be nice and all. i think i’ll lay low now. if there’s one thing i learnt from life, it’s never get on the wrong side of a lady. ms. dory, if you’re reading this, i’m sorry for being a pain in the arse and disturbing you. will tone down a bit okayz so you can concentrate on your work. and as promised, i would like to dedicate this blog to her sexy new-do. it’s a zing! not that she wasn’t good looking in the first place just want to tell her it’s really nice and i bet she is smiling right about…now. keep on smiling kirei-desu. you’re in the spotlight now. hehe. i am so DEAD after this. but hey, someone needs to tell her right? right? ok, enough of the derail lest she takes offense to her beauty.

where was i? oh yeah, all my life. i think i’ve been blessed to have known many great people. why, just today i received an e-mail from june reminding me that we haven’t gossiped in ages. the stage is set for 2004’s best gossips. hahaha. ei, june. hope you and eddy grow old together yeah and you know where to look for me if you need an ear or shoulder as always. and for gawdsakes, ask eddy to look after you. i hate my nagging job ya know but i still do it cause i like to see you all safe.

well, i’m feeling a bit better from my bout of depression lately. well, that’s me. the ever moody and crazy, psycho dude. hmm…i was actually contemplating getting that near bald crew cut i got in Sec. 4. maybe i’ll do it for 2005! kinda bored of my hair now, but my sis tells me to keep it long as i look like a brickhead with short hair due to my somewhat squarish face. meh, renegade! i don’t care much sometimes. when i make up my mind, i just do it. hope i get that get-up-and-go feeling one of these days real soon.

emo: hyper and thankful